Tag Archives: post posture semi tard

You’re Still Into Posture?

I want to fucking punch you in your face.

You. Girl in the fucking “Meh” shirt. After I punch you in your fucking face, I want to punch the person that took your picture in his fucking face. I then want to continue right down the line of anyone and everyone that was involved in this photograph and the manufacturing of your t-shirt and punch them all directly in their fucking faces.

Why, though? Right? What’s the big deal? It’s just some stupid advertisement for a shitty internet t-shirt company that prints dumb graphics on low-quality cotton to sell at an incredible markup to doltish fucking zeros that will then take pictures of themselves in these t-shirts featuring the stolen creativity of others to post on Facebook and hopefully get a “Like” from some chubby girl in non-prescription glasses that you want to fuck but lack the ability to do anything about it other than passively engage her via social fucking media.

I want to fucking punch you in your face for asking why.

I want to hack this company’s order records and visit the home of everyone that has ordered their shitty t-shirts and punch him and her in his and her fucking face. Then I want to hack their Facebook accounts, log the information of everyone that “Likes” the self-portrait they posted with their horrible t-shirt, visit their homes, punch them all in their fucking faces, then photograph their swollen heads and upload the images to be set as their new profile pictures.

We’ve really gotta tap into this “over it” generation. These kids these days, they try so hard to show how hard they don’t try. How do we capture that feeling, that ethic, that utter, self-contradicting assholery? What’s the next frontier in pretending to not give a fuck? I’ve got it! Posture! Fuck posture! An erect spine is a sign of trying. That’s fucking stupid. It symbolizes a bygone era of people that prioritized spinal health over feigning carefreeness via forced irony. Let us usher in the Post-Posture era via t-shirt. Go get the model.

Okay, non-threatening white girl, put these tighty-whities on because they’re the perfect blend of ironic and “I don’t give a fuck.” Now put on Macho Man Randy Savage’s sunglasses, because 80’s retro-irony still has thirty seconds of shelf life. Alright, you’re gonna rock the “Meh” shirt because it best encapsulates how hard you’re trying to never, under any conceivable circumstance, try. But we’re gonna drive that message home with a new pose. We’re calling it the “Post-Posture Semi-Tard.” All you have to do is twist your knees together like you’re incontinent, collapse your shoulders and spine in a manner that evidences no control over your own skeletal system, and rear your head back and imitate a drooling, special-needs invalid.

Perfect! We’ve got it. Load that shit out across our ad space and let’s sell some fabric to idiots!

I want “Meh” girl to suffer spinal damage in an automobile accident that requires her to wear a back brace to achieve correct posture for the rest of her life. I want to be at the hospital when she comes out of surgery. When she wakes up, I want to fucking punch her in her face again.