Tag Archives: amish

January Search Terms: Almost-Cock-Free Edition

I should do this more often considering the ease-to-entertainment ratio of simply listing the search engine terms that bring the world’s most disturbed minds from the bowels of internet hell here to Unleash The Beef. You might recall some of the frightening terms listed when I did this last April in a cock-centric post. I cannot exaggerate the number of cock-related terms that land people at this website. For every search not including the word “cock,” there are literally hundreds of searches including it. And that’s counting “cock” specifically – I’m not including all the “dick,” “boner,” “schlong,” “penis,” and “wiener”-related searches. This moves the number into the thousands. What’s most disturbing about the relentless cock fanaticism is that it’s almost entirely in pursuit of “young,” “boy,” or “underage” cock. As always, the fact that civilization has not crumbled seems impossible. The second-most popular cock-specific search, although it’s often combined with the first, is for cocks bulging through lycra shorts. There is not enough room on the internet for me to list every variation of cock/lycra search that results in a UTB visit. Second runner-up goes to the incessant pursuit of the “widest cock” in existence. Again, you cannot fathom the number of different ways humanity can phrase a search for super-girthy dicks. Hey, I think I just coined another one!

This time I’m lightening the cock-load, but there were a select few cock-searches that would have been cruel not to share with you. They are as follows, and please note the sudden upsurge in interest over all things related to the Amish and their genitals:

amish boys cocks

amish males cocks

amish pubic cocks

amish gay boys

hot gay amish boys

amish dick dong

felatio in amish culture

amish cunts usa

helpless wrestling fat gut bear cock

my boy scout leader sucked my cock stories

mr belvedere kevin cock

Here are my two favorite innocent search terms for the month (other than “mr belvedere kevin cock”). Highly entertaining when these pop up in a list that’s 90% revolting deviance:



And, before the standard list, my top five favorite search terms for January:

5. naked retard

4. paul stanley naked

3. gary levox licking his lips

2. what message do the media culture family friends and intimate play in shaping women s self-images regarding the appearance ogf their bodies-including genitals and breasts?

Good question. Drumroll please…

1. gogurt donkey punch

On to the remaining depravity:

best way to gap an asshole

gay iphone porn compression shorts

gogurt addiction

hairy breasts of women

jessica simpson fucking willie nelson

dog licks peanut butter pussy

adolf meatler

athletics cunts

gay boys shitting

vegetable filled asshole

moms vs little tinny pubeless boys

show me the beef dumpster

couples shitting

bears bulges lycra free videos

fruitarian lesbian sex

young and the pubeless

young boys in little league baseball and fucking

gay locker room communal shower

vegan cow perez hilton


cargo pants for epipens

men humping the floor

my hairy gay legs

walmart symbol looks like an asshole

male models shittin in forest

rape on netflix

best rape scene on netflix instant

thus creating a continuous chain of shitting and eating

guy raping me in speedos

my brother is the best fucker

deceitful gays ay glory holes

how to rape a lady

everyone must give me beef

the beef curtains choked on my own pubes

mr. fagg you want something with a little beef

looking for hot gay diapered men

hey say when you listen to your rice krispies in reverse you can hear the devil telling you to steal lucky s charms ;] lol

interracial gangbang on rollerblades

No witty summation necessary. Not after the interracial gangbang on rollerblades.

Warning: May Induce Creamed Jeans

Click to get hard, er, enlarge.

Spring sunshine + pastured cows = me happily drowning myself in dairy fat. Look at that. A quart of freshly thickened raw cream with which I will soon make the infamous apple pie rape from American Pie seem like a comparative peck on the cheek.

When I lived in DC, I would get raw cream from my Amish farmers (this was pre-carnivory, but post-processed food consumption). I would bring home my weekly order planning to eat a spoon or two, pop the lid off, then regain consciousness at the bottom of the empty container. It was glorious. The cream was as thick as soft serve ice cream, and since I wasn’t looking to top any scones, all I did was eat it straight from the container. It’s as close as I’ve come to simply mainlining animal fat. Upon moving to Texas after the last couple years of dairy-less carnivory and acquiring sources for grassfed beef, I decided to compensate for the leanness of this meat with superhuman amounts of raw butter and cream. While the butter I’ve been able to procure has been pure gold, both visually and nutritionally, the raw cream I was purchasing from numerous farms was pure liquid, which, for me, is useless. I couldn’t figure it out, and none of the farmers were any help, as none of them seem to actually utilize or understand anything about the foods they produce. I didn’t know what to do with liquid cream, other than to stare at it menacingly in hopes that I’d scare it into a solid state. I couldn’t figure out what the Amish secret was, and, what with them being Amish and all, I couldn’t exactly shoot off an email to anyone to find out. Alas, it’s simpler than I ever imagined, and I’m now living the thickened raw cream dream.

Here’s what you do:

1. Find yourself a real dairy farmer and take your little ass to his farm.

2. Buy you some raw cream.

Different folks will sell it by the pint, quart, half gallon, or gallon. If it’s not in a wide-mouthed container, take care not to let it sit too long or it will thicken on its own and be difficult to get out. Feel free, though, in general, to let it sit for as long as you please, as it will thicken on its own and you’ll just end up with sour cream. This is not a bad thing. Prices for real, raw cream in my experience are in the $6 to $10 per quart range. If you’d prefer to be pillaged, there’s a woman in Krum, TX selling cream for $70/gallon. Nucking futs. To her credit, though, it has the best color, taste, and texture I’ve found. Not so far superior as to warrant such financial molestation, though.

3. Pour cream into a container, such as the glass Pyrex one pictured above.

4. Add a few dashes of apple cider vinegar to the cream.

5. Whip it good.

6. Throw the lid on and let sit at room temp, or warmer, for one to two days.

I put mine outside in the 95 degree heat, though in the shade. After a day or two, the cream will be noticeably thicker, but still runny. Some water content may be at the bottom of the container. If so, I suck it out with a baster. That was the unintentionally gayest sentence ever written.

7. Throw that bad boy in the fridge. Let sit until solid (less than half a day).

8. Once solid, plunge your spoon into that sum’bitch like you mean it.

9. Enjoy.

Just fair warning, this thickened cream is dangerously good and damn near impossible to stop piling into your face once you’ve started. If given the death of my choice, I’ll happily drown in an ocean of this stuff. But, for you zero carbers our there, unless a little carb creep triggers problems/cravings for you, there’s not much reason to hold back, as, again, raw cream is essentially pure, glorious fat with a shot of vitamin A for good measure.

A few last notes. I don’t think the apple cider vinegar is necessary to thicken it, it’s just how I learned to do it. You can throw in whatever flavoring you’d like, vanilla, lemon, something like that, if that’s your thing, but then you don’t experience the pure pastured goodness of real raw cream. Also, the longer the cream has aged, the quicker it will thicken, so don’t worry your precious little head about its freshness. And like I said before, if it goes “bad,” it’s still good. Now is the ideal time of year for raw dairy, as spring grass produces the most nutritionally robust products of the cow. Many cultures, all far savvier than ours, have treasured spring dairy through the ages. The quality of your farmer’s soil will be revealed by the color of his raw butter during spring months. Check out this photo for an idea of what it should look like. Check out this site for sources near you. Many producers can’t list raw butter or cream, for fear of the wrath of the government’s war on real food, so visit these people and talk to them. You could be pleasantly surprised by what’s behind the curtain of some of these places.

Anyway, find some by any means necessary. And welcome to your new addiction.

FDA vs Food


Dan Allgyer, an Amish farmer from Kinzers, PA, recently had his farm invaded by armed government food bullies for the second time this year. Please read the story and action alert here. With the average American enjoying unprecedented thriving health, doubtlessly thanks to the food pyramid and recommended daily allowance charts, our wonderful Food and Drug Administration, having solved everyone else’s problems, has set its sights on Lancaster County, Pennsylvania – Amish Country – where some members of the bearded, suspendered population dare to produce healthy foods in a sustainable manner. What gets the FDA’s shit-stained panties in a particular bunch, though, are lawless bovine-bandits like Allgyer, whom they suspect of not only producing raw milk, but – please remove any children from the roomdelivering it across state lines!

Are you okay? Have you recovered from the shock of this heinous crime? I understand that it’s gruesome, but this is the world that we live in. I’m simply here to report the facts. Yes, dear reader, it’s true. Some Amish farmers have chosen to raise cattle on their natural diet of grass, and to produce healthy, nutrient-rich meat and dairy products that have not been pasteurized, homogenized, or sodomized. And some of the more shadowy figures among us, maybe even your neighbors or co-workers, get their cheap thrills by actually consuming these life-giving foods. But how dare anyone raise animals in a way that supports the cycle of life? No hormones? No antibiotics? No feedlots? Just healthy soil and healthy animals? Outrageous! And how dare any individual choose to seek out, purchase, and consume such contraband? Such actions border dangerously close to free market activity… something we simply cannot tolerate.

But to be cereal for a moment, I was a customer of Dan Allgyer when I lived on the east coast. Both he and another Amish farmer I purchased food from have been trespassed on and harassed by armed, badged human parasites acting on behalf of our owners, the federal government. This is so disturbing, so sickening, so sad on so many levels that I can’t begin to articulate it rationally. But, this is what government does. It grows and grows, and concerns itself with more and more of yours and my private business. And as more and more laws are passed, written by de facto governmental corporations, restricting the freedom of farmers and the availability of real food, we carry on shoveling peanut butter and jelly out of a single jar, believing that the John McCains and Barack Obamas of the world will set us free, content that we still sorta resemble human beings even though, chemically, we bear a closer resemblance to genetically modified corn. Thanks Monsanto/US Government! Everything’s on the up and up with yous guys!

I’d like to ask three things:

1. If you seek real food, and are anywhere near Amish populations, or anyone that produces pure pastured meats and/or raw dairy products, seek them out and patronize them. They produce the richest foods on Earth. Most of them don’t even realize the nutritional value of what it is they produce, but nevertheless. Every cent you spend on real food produced by real people is one cent’s worth of “fuck you” in the face of Big Brother, Big Pharma, and the wisdom of the modern medical establishment. Real food may cost a bit more, sure, but stop your pissing and moaning because the cost to your health of anything else you eat is far greater. Greater demand for great food will trigger its production and increase competition; resulting in lower prices – oops – I’ll stop there… way too free market.

2. Spare me any emails about how “laws are laws” and “must be respected.” Or how “someone has to make sure our food is safe.” Or how the FDA agents (now there’s a title to be proud of) are “just doing their job.” Or how, in general, someone else always has to wipe your dumb ass for you. That attitude is the reason we are slaves. That attitude is the product of your public education/indoctrination. No law is a particularly good one, but they are particularly awful when they defy the laws of nature. But, for a variety of perverse reasons, we zestfully disobey natural law while defining our own “goodness” by our ability to obey arbitrary orders from, as Iron Mike would say; wretched, slimy, reptilian motherfuckers.

3. Finally, I’d like to ask that the next time the wretched FDA pariahs invade Dan’s, or any other farmer’s private property, why don’t you buy a few products and taste real food for the first time in your miserable, misdirected, unfulfilling lives? I mean, I’m sure the foodstuffs you’re so eager to regulate don’t hold a nutritional candle to the high-end McDonald’s hotcakes (“with the flavor of maple syrup on the side” ???) you stopped off for in your government owned sedan after leaving the farm with your tails between your legs because, even all these years after you couldn’t get laid in high school, you and a loaded weapon can’t even scare an Amish farmer into answering your bullshit, but still… give ‘em a taste… for me? Oh, and one more thing:

FDA Raids Amish Farmer Dan Allgyer

FDA Raids Amish Farmer Dan Allgyer
Please take action (see ACTION at end of notice)

Kinzers, PA At 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday April 20, Amish farmer Dan Allgyer went outside to begin milking his small herd of dairy cows. On the normally quiet Kinzer Road in front of his farm, just a few miles from the Nickel Mines Amish massacre of 2006, several unfamiliar vehicles drove slowly past. Two months prior, on February 4, FDA agents had trespassed on Allgyer’s farm, claiming to be conducting an “investigation.” Allgyer had suspected they would be back at some point, because many other small dairy farms around the country have been similarly treated by the FDA. Following is Dan’s account of Tuesday morning’s events:

I became aware of the cars as soon as I walked out on the sidewalk as part of my morning routine around 4:30 a.m. and immediately said to myself something is going on, there is too much traffic on Kinzer Road. I was watching and noticed three cars were cruising down Kinzer Road right behind each other, and immediately thought, hey, that looks like trouble. I watched and pretty soon one car came back and parked on my neighbor’s farm, on private property, just as the FDA agents had when they came on my property in February; it was exactly the same place.

A couple minutes later, the other two cars pulled up and joined the first on my neighbor’s property, where the occupants appeared to be in conference with one another. Shortly after that, they turned their headlights on and drove in my lane – this would have been at about 5:00.

I stood back in the dark barn to see what they were going to do. They drove past my two Private Property signs, up to where my coolers were, with their headlights shining right on them. They all got out of their vehicles – five men all together – with big bright flashlights they were shining all around. My wife and family were still asleep. When they couldn’t find anybody, they prepared to knock on the door of my darkened house. Just before they got to the house I stepped out of the barn and hollered at them, then they came up to me and introduced themselves. Two were from the FDA, agent Joshua C. Schafer who had been there in February and another. They showed me identification, but I was too flustered to ask for their cards. I remember being told that two were deputy U.S. Marshals and one a state trooper. They started asking me questions right away. They handed me a paper and I didn’t realize what it was. Agent Joshua C. Schafer told me they were there to do a “routine inspection.” At 5:00 in the morning, I wondered to myself? “Do you have a warrant?” I asked, and one of them, a marshal or the state policeman, said, “You’ve got in your hand buddy.” I asked, “What is the warrant about?” Schafer responded, “We have credible evidence that you are involved in interstate commerce.”

They wanted me to answer some questions, my name, middle initial, last name, wanted to know how many cows we have on the farm. I answered those questions and some more. Finally, I got over my initial shock and said I would not be answering any more questions. They said O.K., we’ll get on with the “inspection.”

I went to go talk to my wife. As I walked away, they held a quick excited conversation and I heard one of them say, “I’ll take care of him.” At that point, apparently, they had designated one of the marshals to stick close to me and dog my footsteps. He followed me as I walked toward the house. I went in the house quickly and told my wife a few words to let her know the situation, then immediately came back out of the house before the marshal had time to follow me in. When I came back out, they were inspecting all the coolers sitting out. They spent about a half hour digging through the packed coolers filled with milk and other food – all private property – taking pictures.

At one point during the cooler inspection the state trooper said to me, “You have a nice farm.” I responded, “We’re trying to be sustainable, but they don’t want to let us.”

While they inspected the coolers, I read the warrant. Among other things it said that any search was to be conducted “at reasonable times during ordinary business hours.” When I exclaimed, “Ordinary business hours!” and pointed this out to the marshal who was dogging me, he said, “Ordinary business hours for agriculture start at 5:00 a.m.” I challenged him that the warrant does not say agriculture hours, it said ordinary hours. He replied, “That’s what the government told us.”

Then they started looking around, as though in search of something in particular. They went up to one door that had a clear No Trespassing sign on it, specifically including government agents, and they did not go in the room, though they shone their flashlights around in it. Then they asked me, “What is on the other side of the door in that [same] room?” Agent Joshua Schafer asked this. I looked him in the eye and did not answer. When they saw I was not going to answer, the other FDA agent said, “Okay, come on,” to agent Schafer, and they went into the room and through the closed door on the opposite side. I had another one of those signs on my walk-in cooler adjacent to my freezer, so they went through that door also. They spent probably another half hour rooting around, like a couple of pigs, in the freezer and cooler area and took many pictures.

When they came out, they asked me where I keep my containers and jugs for milk, and I refused to tell them. I figured they could look for themselves. Then they were walking all over the farm, checking everything out, everything except the house. Agent Joshua Schafer even opened my dumpster and inspected inside it, as though he thought I was hiding something in it. At that point I went and started milking my cows – it was way past milking time.

When I was just about done milking, Schafer and the other agent came in the barn and wanted me to answer some more questions. I told them I would not. The second agent said, “Are you gong to deliver those coolers to Bethesda and Bowie Maryland?” I just looked at him. Then Schafer made a gesture and said, “The stickers with those towns names are on the coolers,” as through to say, you might as well tell me.

I replied, “I told you I won’t answer any questions.” After that they said, “We are done for today. You’ll be hearing back from headquarters.”

Then they got in their car and left. The state trooper and the marshals had left already.

They came in the dark, shining bright flashlights while my family was asleep, keeping me from milking my cows, from my family, from breakfast with my family and from our morning devotions, and alarming my children enough so that they first question they asked my wife was, “Is Daddy going to jail?”

THE NEXT MORNING Allgyer received an overnight, extremely urgent Letter of Warning from the FDA stating that “Failure to make prompt corrections could result in regulatory action without further notice. Possible actions include seizure and/or injunction.”

ACTION: Please call and write the number and address below. Express yourself. Tell them that you support Dan Allgyer. If you drink fresh, unpasteurized milk tell them that. Tell them that more people every day are drinking fresh milk and this is going to increase. It’s not going to stop no matter how many farmers they persecute. Tell them the government has no place between individuals and the farmers from whom they get their food.

Philadelphia District Office
Serves Delaware and Pennsylvania.
Food and Drug Administration
U.S. Customhouse
Second and Chestnut Streets, Room 900
Philadelphia, PA 19106
(215) 597-4390 8:00 a.m. – 4:30 p.m. (Eastern time)

Yours for food freedom,
Deborah Stockton, Executive Director
National Independent Consumers and Farmers Association (NICFA)