Kill Uncomfortable Whitey


In response to Friday’s walk down MySpace Memory Lane, a few emails trickled in from the kind of white guys that are so piss-pantsy and diffident that you just want to rape them – not in a gay way – but in an educational/dominant way; to make clear to them how utterly pathetic they are and see if the shame inspires them to turn their lives around.

Basically, the undescended testicles of these self-appointed language police volunteer crossing guards were trembling over the fact that in the post, while corresponding as a pretend female with online creeps, I used such terms as “nigga,” “noodle nigger,” “bamboo coon,” and even “niggaz” – which was used as a quote mocking the wigger that initially used the term. Now, if you’re not already in stitches just reading the words “noodle nigger” and “bamboo coon” then I don’t know what to tell you other than I am thrilled that I don’t know you and that I’m not your friend. But to the point – the comments from these gynic wonders reminded me of the last time this came up. So rather than make their pee pees shrivel further back inside themselves by posting and dissecting their emails, I’ve dug up what was the bones of a post I never finished that deals with precisely the same dilemma from an earlier post and email (and, more importantly, allows me to put less effort into this shit).

“…but I gotta tell you man, I felt uncomfortable as a white guy to see you even print the n-word, nevermind post a video of someone saying it…”

And I gotta tell you, man, how uncomfortable I feel as a human being knowing that:

a) Words typed by people that have no association with you can make you uncomfortable

b) You would express this to another person as though there exists some chance that person would give a fuck

c) You don’t feel uncomfortable actually using phrases like “n-word” and “I felt uncomfortable.” You’re an adult male. Finding a grizzly bear in your home should make you uncomfortable – not words on the internet.

“N-word” is the most patronizing term in the entirety of the English tardicon. While I normally rail against the childish stupidity of anyone offended by words, the inherent stupidity of “n-word” is so inhumanely stupid as to be legitimately offensive. Saying “n-word” is like spelling in front of your kid so he doesn’t know what you’re saying – “Honey, don’t go p-o-t-t-y quite yet, I want you to s-h-i-t on my c-h-e-s-t tonight” – only your kid is 30 years old and a former Scripps National Spelling Bee champion. Why is he rolling his eyes? Because he hates you. Because he’s smarter than you. Because he resents having been treated like his intellect is on par with that of Mr. Potato Head for the past 30 years. Because you say things like “n-word.” Say the fucking words! There is no discussion regarding usage, context, intent, or interpretation. That’s just holding a flame to an existing pile of bullshit. There are enough boogiemen – real and imagined – on this planet. There’s no need to make boogiemen out of units of language. Oops, I said “boogie.” Cuz I’m a racist.

The “uncomfortable” quote above was excerpted from an email written by a fan(!) of the site in response to this audio I posted of a blitzkrieged drunk friend leaving me a rambling, barely coherent voicemail. The video was prefaced with a warning reading:

If you’re offended by drunk white guys calling their white friends “niggerlips,” skip this. Also, if your friends don’t leave you drunken voicemails featuring live banjo and the assumption of jail time, get better friends.


The emailer, like many silly white people, holds himself hostage to the imaginary language laws popularized by rainbows of vacuous humanoids that dedicate their lives to inanities.

I received exactly two emails regarding the video. Not that it makes a lick of fucking difference, but it’s somewhat fantastic that, in light of tender Whiteboy’s email, the other email came from an N-person that’s also a fan of the site (he is a verified brother, so spare me any conspiracy theories that it’s some white maniac waging a language-based race war by encouraging the authors of mildly popular websites to use the word “nigger”). It reads in part:

“I was a little bit what the fuck when I saw the whole ‘skip this if you don’t like niggerlips’ part, but that was the hardest I’ve laughed at someone saying nigger in a long time… It’s getting to the point where black people say it so much it just gets annoying… and the only time it’s really funny is when white dudes say it but none of them actually will.”

For purposes of this post, I emailed our resident N-factor for some follow up, which reads in part:

“Tell Whiteboy not to be such a faggot, but he might get offended by that so you can just tell him its the f-word… I used to be brainwashed that I was supposed to attack anyone that said that shit but I grew the fuck up and learned how to think for myself and consider how its being used and who’s using it… what their agenda is. Tell your boy from the video this nigger will buy him a drink anytime.”

GASP! He said “nigger!” Wait, but he’s black… so… it’s okay, right? WAIT. No. Because it ended with “er.” Even colored fellers can’t drop an N-deuce that ends with “er.” Full blown “nigger” is never allowed, right? Give me a moment while I download today’s updates to the Racial Slur Usage Guide and see what rules have changed since yesterday.

I followed up with Sir N-salot and asked him if he’d accidentally deleted the “gr” and “pe” before and after the “a” when said he’d buy my friend “a drink.” His reply:

“Godammit you know that’s true.”

Venomous racism, no? Or a hacky yet timelessly funny joke shared between two relatively sane human beings that haven’t voluntarily placed their nutsacks into the lion’s mouth of politico-vaginally correct social castration.

Seriously: Fuck you. All of you: moon crickets, peckerwoods, fingernail ranchers, goat ropers, snow chinks, and hatchet packers. Fuck men, women, children, trannies, puppies, and goldfish. Fuck everyone I know. Fuck everyone I hate. Fuck everyone I love. Fuck you all simply because fuck you.

Words, people. Grow up.

But seriously, fuck trannies.

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