“US wakes up to a Miss America of Indian descent” reads a headline from Yahoo “News” that I clicked on out of sheer self hatred. It only gets worse from there, but right out of the gate, fuck your stupid headline. To justify the use of the phrase “US wakes up to…,” whatever comes after “to” must be something that the majority of people in the US are affected by and/or give a minimal fuck about – such as “US wakes up to a World at War” or “US wakes up to a New Post at Unleash The Beef.” You know what? Fuck it, I’ll lower the bar: How about just three percent of people in the US have to give a fuck about whatever it is you’re wasting text on to justify use of that phrase? Let’s go to the numbers. The Miss America pageant drew 8.4 million viewers out of a population of 314 million people. Oh! Just missed that 3% mark with 2.7% of the US Government’s tax slaves breathing through their mouths in front of televisions tuned to the Miss America pageant.
This just in: Nobody gives a fuck about the Miss America pageant. It’s not the 19-everything-before-the-internets anymore. Airing something on what used to be a “major television network” no longer automatically propels it to cultural significance. More people woke up to a computer idling on YouJizz.com and dried semen idling in their belly button than woke up to this brave new world headlined by some broad nobody gives two rupees about. Go check the stats on the most popular YouJizz videos – I promise you they have higher numbers than the Miss America pageant. Hell, I didn’t jerk off last night yet I still had no idea that a Miss America pageant took place until I saw that hyperbolic headline. Miss America, Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition, Playboy, professional boxing, personal liberty, and truth – the average American has no interest in these formerly beloved institutions so why waste time publishing stories on any of them?
“For the first time America’s top beauty queen is a woman of Indian origin.” Whoa. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. I thought race, creed, color, and every other potential identifier were insignificant in our wonderful little postmodern culture where tolerance trumps all and gender identification is whatever you want it to be for the afternoon. Oops, my bad. The only irrelevancy is white maleness. Silly me – not recognizing an opportunity to celebrate diversity. Me. Of all people – when on this very site I’ve taken the time to explicitly define diversity:
: the forced celebration of any and everything non-white unless it’s crippled or retarded
I wonder if India would have awoken in a celebratory embrace of their newfound diversity in meaningless pageantry had some honky tonk Midwestern lass turned up on the Miss India stage and performed an all-American square dance. But now that we’ve celebrated the precise traits of the new Miss America that we’d be condemned for celebrating were she white, let’s turn our attention to the staggering laziness of this article’s author, who has wisely avoided including their name. On second thought, it’s more likely s/he was simply too lazy to stroke a few more keys to credit their own authorship.
“For the first time America’s top beauty queen is a woman of Indian origin, a first partly clouded by a spate of hateful Tweets branding her an Arab terrorist.”
“Davuluri was beaming despite a spurt of racist tweets about her.”
“While many American [the missing "s" here is not my error. You didn't seriously think the slobs at Yahoo edited this shit, did you?] saluted Davuluri’s victory, some online commenters described the beauty queen, who is believed to be a practicing Hindu, as an Arab who looks like a terrorist.
One user said ‘It’s called Miss America. Get outta here New York you look like a terrorist. #bye #americanforamerica.’
A person who apparently tweeted from Kansas wrote, ‘Are you serious??!!! The Arab wins??!!! This is miss AMERICA!!! Not miss Arabia!!! Miss Kansas is in the army and is a country girl!!! C’mon.’”
“‘This world is so ignorant. #MissAmerica Indian or not had every right to gain the title of MissAmerica. This is why I want to leave America!’ chimed in @CJlovebug.”
Nearly the entire content of this “story” is comprised of Tweets. Motherfucking Tweets! “Partly clouded by a spate of hateful Tweets”??? That’s the first sentence of your story about Miss America? Check the goddamned forecast then because nothing on Vishnu’s green Earth will ever enjoy sunshine again since everything that exists will heretofore be clouded out in part by a spate of hateful Tweets.
“Davuluri was beaming despite a spurt of racist tweets about her”? Hmm. You don’t say. Wait – you do say. Twice. Well, technically, first it was a spate, only to become a spurt seven sentences later. Clearly, subliminal messaging need not remain subliminal when appealing to an audience devoid of even remedial comprehension skills, never mind the capacity for critical thought. Did you say critical? That sounds intolerant. Someone blow the rape whistle!
I’m receiving another update: Shit that random people say on Twitter doesn’t fucking matter! It has no impact on anything other than the fragile emotional balance of those already bad enough at life to predicate any thought or action on shit that random people say on Twitter. Anything you want said, positive or negative, is waiting at your selective disposal on Twitter. You never have to say a goddamned thing; you can just copy and paste what anonymous individuals of utter irrelevance and no relation to the matter at hand fingervomit into the ether via Twitter. Stated differently: contemporary journalism. You feckless hunk of shit.
“A person who apparently tweeted from Kansas”? You published a news story with an international audience and you not only included multiple meaningless Tweets, but you prefaced one such Tweet with, “A person who apparently tweeted from Kansas”??? I hate to invoke the Idiocracy cliché, but I’m at a loss. I want to print that phrase a billion times in a row and then I want to sprintkick you in your face for composing the worst seven-word sequence in the history of the English language. I want to ban English just so you cannot combine its components in such an abusive manner any longer. I want to make you write that phrase over and over again on a chalkboard; only I want to smash your head clear through the chalkboard before you’ve even picked up the fucking chalk.
Now, I understand that the agenda behind this pathetic fuck’s lazy phrase is to call upon the image of the virulent Southern racist so that everyone’s socially mandated hick hatred kicks in and intensifies the celebration of the boundless glory of hating white people diversity. But – one might think – journalistic integrity should still override such a flagrant attempt to employ caricature-level racism as legitimate opinion within a news piece. One, as always, would be insane to apply such rationale in a culture that’s sworn a blood oath commitment to mainstreaming total irrationality.
Hey boss, I’m emailing you that piece on Miss America right now.
Wow. I only assigned it to you 37 seconds ago.
Yep. All done.
Alright. Does it celebrate diversity?
Appear hip by haphazardly incorporating social media gobbledygook?
What did you say?
Oh fuck me. They told us about that word at the mandatory diversity retreat this summer. I’m definitely getting fired. But as long as it meets our three standard reqs go ahead and just click “Publish.” It ain’t like anyone’s checking this shit for quality, integrity, or basis in reality. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean the belongings out of my desk and the hatred out of my soul.
Adding insult to stupidity is the fact that credit is withheld from the intolerant boogieman Tweeters by not publishing their handles (though divulging the “apparent” geographic location from which their Tweets emanated), while @CJlovebug receives full accreditation for her heroic “This world is so ignorant… This is why I want to leave America!” Tweet that out-tolerates those hate-Tweets preceding it – even if she is gloriously shortsighted in her desire to flee the ignorance of America in favor of one of those overabundant foreign nations famed for their indefatigable tolerance. A notion that is totes not ignorant, you know, sociopolitically speaking. But really, why gather a coherent Tweet when the whole point is to simply reinforce hip-mod stupidity over heartland stupidity?
I can lambaste this drivel all I want, but to its objective it’s a job well done. Lazily, transparently, mongoloid-baitingly well done. This isn’t postmodern journalism; it’s post-reality agitprop. A nearly flawless psyop highly stylized for the lowest common denominator. Or it’s simply the worst thing ever published on the internet. Or both. You pick.
But to finally address what really matters in all of this:
Nina Davuluri? #WouldBang
And. For the record: @CJlovebug?
#VaginalDiversity #CockTolerance #IntercontinentalCocksmanship