I just don’t get it. I mean, I get it from the UFC’s perspective – this broad sells tickets, she’s the champ, and they’re a hell of a promotional machine, so they will sell her down any avenue they can. I just can’t fathom how they’ve successfully sold her down Sexy Street in light of the fact that she simply isn’t sexy.
Like, dudes jerk off to Rousey. Jerk off to her and admit as much as though it warrants a high five or is some kind of safe assumption in this warped contemporary guy culture. I’m heterosexual and I could list twenty dudes that I’d jerk off to – bang if it came right down to it – before I’d do as much to Ronda Rousey. This has nothing to do with her prowess as a fighter, her increasing fame and fortune, or the staggering lack of human personality she demonstrated on Jay Mohr’s podcast. I harbor no ill will toward this chick. I’m simply a fight fan, and when I’m tuned into any UFC programming, they flaunt Rousey all over the screen in a fashion geared toward my dick instead of my fight fandom.
That’s what bugs me. Because she ain’t hot. So stop showing her to me like you’re trying to make my dick dance. My dick ain’t dancin’ for Rowdy Rousey. You can entice the special needs fan boys – the kind that boo Chael Sonnen because they’re too gloid-like to understand and appreciate his brilliance – into haphazardly tugging their otherwise unexercised peckers to your video packages pretending that her arm bar skills are trumpeted only by her prowess as a sex goddess, but she packs no punch in venereal appeal for normal men. I’ll watch the broad fight. I won’t pay to watch her fight – but I’ll watch her matches if they’re on. But she couldn’t make my dick twitch even if Dana White handed her Viagra and jumper cables.
It’s no secret that I’ve thrown myself into a host of females with strong internet signals and weak decision making skills. So let’s say I’ve never seen or heard of Ronda Rousey and she comes on my radar via online dating, rocking a casual picture like this one:
I’m not interested. She looks like every other slightly chunky white trash broad that can’t wear jeans right because she has no feminine contours. What am I gonna do with a broad like that? I wouldn’t even fathom initiating contact with her. I’d see that pic and be out and on to the next potential receptacle in an instant. I mean, if she initiated contact, and came on really hard, and it was Tuesday night – late Tuesday night, and every other option had dried up, and it was clearly agreed upon that she would blow me and nothing else would happen besides that, then maybe. But even then… just… nah. Even in making a personal appeal to my dick, he just ain’t interested. Dicks usually talk brains into things. Mine is talking me out of Ronda Rousey.
For the record, and since she’s Rousey’s current feud, I would sleep with Miesha Tate. I don’t mean I’d sleep with her because she’s feuding with Rousey – I’m not endeavoring to bang Miesha Tate to sex-spite Ronda Rousey – I mean that independent of all other factors, I would voluntarily enter Miesha Tate because she’s attractive enough to warrant such action. Yeah, she’s got that mongo-nose thing going on, but it’s more of an endearing glitch than it is a turn off. Let’s give Tate the online dating test:
Bingo. I mean, she doesn’t quite warrant initiating contact either, but as soon as she dropped a “Hi :)” on me and I saw her pic, it would be my immediate goal to get her into the backseat of that vehicle and get between those two blouse clowns she’s advertising – an act that would require no sales pitch from myself to my dick. Tate is cute, and maintains a level of femininity despite being a professional fighter. She also doesn’t look like an angry man that may also throw up at any second all of the time ala Ronda Rousey [see all photos herein] – who, it should go without saying, is not cute, pretty, sexy, feminine, likeable, fuckable, or any other complimentary adjective.
Rousey, besides being a 4.5, just looks like she expects too much… like she has the worst possible combination of pride and anger… like her box don’t stink even though you’re sitting on the couch next to her and empirical evidence suggests otherwise – and that’s all on top of looking like she has no clue of, or concern for, how poor her own oral skills are. Realistically, I’d set up the Rousey meet-n-blow thinking maybe I’d talk my dick into it, fail to do so, and then blow her off. Three months later she’d send me a text that says “Member me??? :)” to which I’d respond, “Is that you again Jesus? I told you to lose this number.” She’d then send a pic, I’d realize who it is, and I’d proceed to not respond.
Given the choice between pre-negotiated head from Ronda Rousey or just checking the Iron Sheik’s Twitter feed and going to bed, I’m on Team Sheikie and I’m asleep. This is your sex symbol of 2013? Fuck right off. And make that twenty-one dudes – I just added the Sheik to my list.