125 Pounds Of Fuck You

A pose unfamiliar to social media commenters.

Apparently, University of Iowa senior and three-time All-American wrestler Matt McDonough didn’t get the memo from the anonymous hordes of self-hating internet pigeon-livers that it’s not cool to only accept the best from oneself. A story has gained popularity online this week (or, “gone viral,” as people that enjoy destroying the meaning of words and phrases would say) wherein, after placing second at the Big 10 Wrestling Championships, Matt McDonough’s second-place medal was found discarded in the trash. A wave of feedback critical of McDonough’s actions has ensued, as is expected in a withered culture of self-defeatism where testosterone has been replaced with 4G wireless connectivity.

Question for the endless queue of noncompetitive keystrokers that pass judgment on the Matt McDonoughs of the world via fleeting, grammatically imperfect internet comments: How in the 4G fuck do you gutless wonders feel so goddamned comfortable showcasing your smug pantywaistedness? Are you the kids that grew up playing sports in leagues that don’t keep score? Was “everyone a winner” in your house? Or were you just molested into such a state of shame that it’s taken the form of web-based shamelessness? You wretched, spiritless, self-appointed arbiters of glorified loserdom. It’s been a while since I felt compelled to offer a genuine “fuck you” to anyone, but you truly deserve it. I’d encourage you all, sincerely, to fucking kill yourselves, but to do so would require you to possess a modicum of pride, and since you clearly lack this, you’ll simply continue to plague the internet with your lack of honor.

Unlike Matt McDonough; a young man not only with the heart and drive to become a three time NCAA All-American wrestler, but also with enough honor to quietly dispose of what would otherwise serve as a reminder of his failure. McDonough didn’t throw some piss fit out on the mat in front of the crowd and make a defiant showing of throwing his medal away. In fact, no one thus far has even claimed to have seen him throw away the second-place medal. It was simply found in the trash – where it well belongs – by another student. McDonough quietly and privately threw away something that no self-respecting competitor would ever desire in the first place: a reward for second-place.

Matt McDonough wrestles for the Iowa Hawkeyes, a squad that’s won 23 national championships since 1975. Matt is a two-time national champion. He has a collegiate career record of 120 wins and 7 losses. And as stated previously, Matt is a three time All-American. Put simply – Matt McDonough is a warrior. A bad motherfucker. One that does not fuck around. He is among the best in the world in one of the most grueling forms of physical competition that exists. But none of this matters to comment combatants who wrestle with choices like Bing vs. Google and Firefox vs. Chrome:

Right, James. So typical for a spoiled child to grow up making the necessary sacrifices to become one of the best amateur wrestlers on planet Earth. I mean, it’s stereotyped to the point of cliché, those pretentious Upper Midwesterners and they’re spoiled brat championship wrestler kids. Like age rings on a tree, every notch up the ranks a collegiate wrestler rises is another level of spoil. Ooh, how’d you win the Division I NCAA wrestling championship last year, Matt? Did you cry your way there or did your mommy and daddy just buy it for you?

I agree, also, with the input from both “An Iowan” and the always-insightful Douglas DeForce. Not only is thoughtlessly cutting your defending NCAA individual champion a wise move, but wrestling and life-in-general advice should always be valued when coming from high schoolers that type “LOL” and haven’t learned that spaces follow periods. Douggie D knows an idiot when he sees one, and the Chemistry degree McDonough’s earning should totally just read “Bachelor of Science – Idiocy.”

Uh oh. Looks like someone let Uncle Paul onto the internet again. Hey, Paul… fuckwad… Matt McDonough, like I haven’t said it efuckingnough already, is an All-American, NCAA Championship wrestler at motherfucking Iowa. Can you comprehend the significance of any of that, you incredibly dull, undiscerning fucking key-tard? 2013 is the first year he’s lost more than “to” wrestling matches. All the credit in the world to your “to” nephews that wrestled at the local special needs school, but “this boy,” i.e. this 125 pounds of Fuck You and Your Nephews, could suplex the stupidity out of all three of you.

Matt McDonough is better at life than every person on the internet that has left a comment condemning him for throwing out his second-place medal. He’s also better than all of their nephews.