A Pink Thermos Gave Me A Boner Today

Let me state that headline differently: I haven’t watched porn in a long time.

For my own well-being, I’m attempting to give up pornography. If you’re out of college, I hope, by this point, you’ve at least happened upon some e-literature detailing the harrowing effects of constant porn viewing and masturbation. They should completely scrap sex ed in middle school and simply explain to the boys that Fuck Team Five and My Sister’s Hot Friend aren’t accurate reflections of reality. Inform those hapless 13-old-old shitbirds of what hopeless 23-year-old flaccid shells of humanity they’ll become after a decade spent down the rabbit hole of gaping piss porn. Engaging females in real life – or simply engaging in real life at all – will become a terribly alien experience by post-collegiate age… whether or not one holds a doctorate in parody porn.

When I watch porn, I attempt to watch all the porn. It’s narcotic. I chase the porn dragon. I can’t just grab my donk, cruise to YouJizz, and get the poison out to whatever’s on the homepage. I excel at the art of marathon masturbation. Just…. fuck it – I’m spending the next three hours – minimum – attempting to view every pornographic scene available on the internet. The children in Africa will still be starving tomorrow, but there’s no guarantee my Verizon Fios connection doesn’t shit the bed tonight. What time is it? Stroke time! Hoop!

No matter how mind and/or load blowing what I’m watching is, I have to up the ante. Younger. Hotter. Realer. That one looks good – the one below the one I’m watching. Let me click that one. I was right. It’s fucking better. The more I click, the better they get. Maybe if I dig deep enough I’ll find a video of myself fucking some Bulgarian whore from the Public Invasion series that I don’t remember filming. Wait, this one looks fucking awesome. Yes. This is the greatest porn clip I have ever seen in my life… but I still won’t cum until I find one that’s better. Repeat ad infinitum – or at least until my balls feel like Pacquiao’s been speed-bagging them nonstop for a month. Climax will be agony, but, three hours ago, this is what I decided to do with my immediate future, so my dick can go fuck itself.

As you might infer from the above – as well as from posts like this one – porn junkydom may not be the fittest framework through which to view life. The absence of porn doesn’t mean I’m not still envisioning your undercarriage when I see you – certain habits never die – but it does allow me to become excited by far less than having my face buried in your steeze.

Viewing the world through porn-free eyes allows real life insignificancies to become porn again, the same as they were back in elementary school. Similarly, as in elementary school, I spend a considerable chunk of my day willing my dick not to get hard because I’m in public. And boner-tucking as an adult is a hell of a thing if you’re not wearing clothing conducive to boner concealment.

Things you don’t know give you boners until you quit porn:

Fully Clothed Girls

Believe it or not, attractive girls in clothes – even at a distance – can provoke erective action in healthy men. It’s true. No longer must you slap your penis against an attractive girl’s face to make it grow.

Less Attractive Girls

I’m not saying your dick will dance at the sight of every she-hog named Misty, or anyone over the age of 25, even, but the low end of your standards will drop one full point as you carry a heavier-than-usual sack through your day, looking for a decent human excuse to empty it.

Dreams of Lightly Petting Amish Girls

Even my dreams have gone PG13. Some Amish wench showed up in my dream and all I did was squeeze a little titty and squeeze a little ass – all over top of her haggard Amish clothes. Both were memorably firm, but this is a far cry from the sexual repugnance that typically invades my slumber. Yet I awoke with a morning wood hard enough to club every baby seal on Earth to death and still catch a flight to Lancaster, Pennsylvania without going limp.

Unintentionally Sexual Interaction With Bottled Water

Watch what happens when your tongue mistakenly slips into the hole when you go to take a sip (don’t ask me how the fuck my tongue managed such a special-needsy slip – I don’t know). Immediate penile response. For all your brain and balls can tell in this moment, you’re tongue plunging a certified non-poisonous 19-year-old. You’d better snap back to your bottled water reality quickly, though, as this scenario could devolve rapidly. BPA and jizz don’t mix.

Pink Thermoses 

So I’m at the gym. Passing the window, I catch a glimpse of a pink thermos as its swings back in the hand of its owner who has already passed by outside. T minus three seconds until the owner of that pink thermos enters the door to be seen. Pink thermos = female owner. Female = potentially hot. Hot = I want to fuck her. Me wanting to fuck her = I might fuck her. It’s been 2.5 seconds and my dick is filling with blood. Are you comprehending this? I’m growing a public erection based on my awareness of the potential that an attractive female might enter the premises. This is insane. Aaand it’s an overweight 65-year-old lady with her husband. Maybe this is why I get so many search terms related to boner placement in compression shorts. Either way, I’m standing here with an increasingly full semi. Do I will it away or let it grow, and cap it off with a series of violent fish-out-of-water hip thrusts?

You get the picture. This whole planet is a spinning overdose of Viagra once you disembark the porn train. So if you long to battle the surprise boners of yesteryear, delete your Anal Prolapse bookmarks, throw on your hoodie and some pants with an elasticized waist, get out there, and get arrested.