This Week In “I Don’t Give A Fuck”

Presidential Debate

You fucking kidding me? I wouldn’t imagine anyone under the age of 65 still believes that any of this political shit is real, but judging by the way that Twitter and Facebook light up with non-age-induced mental dysfunction each time they roll out one of these tard and pony shows, dementia effects people at much younger ages than previously believed. Are you shitting me, assholes? You’re Tweeting your take on the “issues” and hashtagging that shit so as to be “part of the conversation”? As evil as the robo-sociopaths on stage are, they can hardly be held as responsible for the horrific condition of “society” as the throngs of Twittering ass-twats that legitimize them by racing to their keyboards and touchscreens to contribute their two e-cents to the rise of Western retardation. You’re Tweeting, so you’re on the internet – you’re on the information superhighway. But instead of riding that shit for what it’s worth and getting some goddamned information about the world from it, you’re parked at the bottom of the highway entrance ramp, refusing to merge on, clogging life for all those attempting to fucking live it. Everything looks good from here! Just gonna ignore the honking horns of reality all around me and admire the giant billboard with the please-all catch phrase!

Beginning of the end? This is what the middle of the end looks like.

Argo

Yeah, the reviews are phenomenal across the board. It’s based on a true story. Hell, it’s probably a fine film. But add its relentless promotion to my already not giving a fuck about it, and you have the formula for me resenting it too much in advance to enjoy it even if it’s good. Based on the trailer that Warner Brothers paid to have advertised on the inside  of everyone’s fucking eyelids for the last month, there’s also too many too-famous actors in the movie for me to ever get lost in the story instead of going, “There’s that guy… there’s that guy… there’s that guy,” the whole time.

I’d rather see Taken 2. Is the writing likely horrible? Yep. But there are redeeming qualities to Taken. First, at least based on the original, it doesn’t try too hard. Second, they actually dared break the new-age protocol of never simply numbering sequels and called it “Taken 2” instead of “Taken To The Limit!” or “Taken To The Motherfucking Extreme, You Motherfucking Motherfuckers!” And it’s an action film where the hero looks like normal human beings look. Liam Neeson isn’t built like the Ultimate Warrior and he isn’t prettier than all the chicks you’d like to fuck. He’s just a dude. The same could be said for Bruce Willis – whose Die Hard franchise is case-in-point of how annoying it gets when you don’t just number sequels – but I don’t remember Liam Neeson fist-fighting a helicopter in the first Taken so the less absurd point goes to him.

Skydive From Twenty-Four Miles

I’m a pussy. I’d burn to death before I’d jump from the fourth story of a fiery building onto one of those inflatable people-savers. What that supersonic skydiver did was utterly incredible. But, also, who gives a fuck? I’m not into skydiving. The videos of those dudes flying in squirrel suits are way cooler, anyway. And the whole thing was sponsored by Red Bull. The only thing I hate more than energy drinks are people that drink energy drinks.

The Walking Dead

I know two things about The Walking Dead. One – People are way too into it. Two – It involves zombies. There are two reasons I don’t watch The Walking Dead. One – People are way too into it. Two – It involves zombies. I deal with enough zombies every day. I need some escapism.

Arlen Specter Dies

Weep, Americans! Even reptiles that subsist on the stolen fruit of others’ labor cannot live forever. After serving as a member of the Warren Commission – the most laughable government sham not called the 9/11 Commission – Specter asserted the integrity and factuality of the commission’s findings for the remainder of his life. He knew there were far more important matters facing the nation – like 2007′s NFL “Spygate,” which caused Specter to spend much of 2008 grandstanding for a federal investigation of a football team trying to steal the signals of another football team. Fine public servant. You’re welcome, America. The banner of the nation-state shall fly at half mast in his reptilian honor. Also, hashtag: #RIPspecter and #FuckYourself.

Beyonce To Play Super Bowl

Fucking whatever. It’s been over-complained-about that they don’t just get solid, guy-pleasing rock and fucking roll bands to play the Super Bowl, so I won’t bother. But, regardless of who’s playing… it’s October… who fucking cares who’s playing at halftime of the Super Bowl? If they were reuniting Guns ‘N’ Roses for it, then yeah, let’s get fucking excited. But Beyonce? Did one single human being, including Beyonce fans, get amped about this announcement? The Super Bowl is, like everything else on Earth, one of those things I hate a little bit more each year. They just drain more and more out of the scrotum of football as time goes by. Not that there’s anything left in there now with this whole pink-titted assault that happens every October. Listen, I don’t wish poisoned tits on anyone. But painting the NFL pink for thirty days every season won’t make your tits not murder you. Procure some THC and get off the fucking field.

A-Rod Flirts

Actually improved my image of him when I heard this… then I saw a photo of the broads he was flirting with. One appeared mildly cute, but too old. The other is stone cold frumpy. Both too bundled to get a physical read on them. Either way, I hope he fucked them. I really wish pro athletes would embrace full heel turns à la old school wrestlers. Tiger Woods could have crafted the greatest heel turn of all time in the fallout of his shit storm, but he blew it. I’d love A-Rod if he just started openly hitting on chicks in the stands, telling people that boo him what losers they are and how rich he is, and accentuating everything he does with Ric Flair “Wooo”s.

Avocados

DIDYOUHEARAVOCADOSAREAGODDAMNEDSUPERDUPERFOOD!?! Argo! Avocados! Argo! Avocados! I haven’t turned on anything requiring electricity in the last week without being promotionally raped by Argo and avocados. I didn’t watch the presidential debate, because I’m not a cunt, but I assume Ben Affleck skydived into the event to presented Romney and Obama each one half of a Subway avocado footlong.

If you go to Subway because you don’t give a fuck about what you eat but you like the way it tastes, carry on. If you go to Subway because you think you’re making healthy choices for yourself, then I recant my previous statement regarding breast cancer and wish it upon you many times over. After they carve off your tits, I hope you get breast cancer in your knees and your elbows and your eyes. Actual breast cancer, but in those varying locations. And if you have a facial piercing I hope you get breast cancer in your facehole, too. Sooth it with avocado while you watch The Walking Dead, you fucking zombie.