Few things inspire me to bother writing posts, but one unavoidable story this past week seemed too good to pass up – that being UConn femcunt Carolyn Luby writing an open letter to the university president complaining that the new logo “will intimidate women and empower rape culture.” Cash money blogpost, son. The post-to-be automatically began outlining itself in my head:
Just as I’m struggling to somehow attach myself to the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing in order to impress others with my fantastical victimhood despite the reality that the event was of absolutely no consequence to me, Carolyn Luby – my new hero – swoops in with a public declaration of cartoon wolf rape victimhood, allowing me to move past my desperate lack of association to Boston and publicly recount my heretofore undisclosed tale of enduring a mascot molestation while attending the University of New Hampshire. You think the UConn Husky’s scary? Check out the UNH Wildcat! And it was that very Wildcat that… late one night… while I walked home alone from a study group… pounced on me… and dragged me into the bushes and… and… and… r-r-raped me.
Oh, the details of the act could have been spectacular! The way the vicious New Hampshire Wildcat – known locally as Mr. Wild E. Cat – dehumanized me. Treated my anus with a total lack of dignity. How its hair-covered body writhed over and dominated me. How powerless I felt in its deadly rape embrace. How its hot animal breath smelled oddly like undigested dining hall food and Natty Lite. How I finally opened my eyes and realized it was actually my roommate OB wearing a Wildcat t-shirt. How I still believe it was the rape-empowering culture created through the act of screen-printing that Wildcat logo onto that XXX-Large t-shirt (OB is a big dude) that made him do what he did to me. How, ultimately, I would have never been bold enough to share my tragedy with the world without Carolyn Luby’s fearless articulation of feckless feminist abstraction. And how to this day it’s like torture for me to attend Furry conventions and partake in their peacockish, fursuited orgies.
Good, clean, standard-issue mockery. I even grabbed images before I started typing – I went through a full thirty seconds of trouble editing the top photo and even captioning the other two. I mean, Christ with a pair of pom-poms, I even had a cheer routine worked out for the Rape Team. It was gonna go:
B-E-A-T – beat ‘em! R-A-P-E – rape ‘em! Beat ‘em! Rape ‘em! Never date ‘em! That’s how we are gonna fuck ‘em!
The only problem is, Carolyn Luby never said the new Husky logo would “intimidate women and empower rape culture.” Sure, her letter bleeds rivers of the aforementioned feckless feminist abstraction from its otherwise dry vagina, but it doesn’t even contain the words “intimidate,” “empower,” or “rape.” Yet this is the quote being fed out not only by random Twittering stooges, but also by seemingly every “reputable” news site out there. I expect as much from reputable news providers, but I hold Twittering stooges to a much higher degree of journalistic integrity.
Luby’s letter is essentially a condemnation of University President Susan Herbst for focusing on promoting the new Husky logo, rather than joining Luby’s personal war on testicles wherein, by promoting a universal identity for females as victims; wild insecurity, misplaced sympathy, and mass stupidity shall converge and lead to the total eradication of male influence from society. And just when I thought I’d lost any inspiration to bother with a post… and just when I thought there was no chance I’d ever be able to identify with Carolyn Luby, I read the postscript to her letter. It’s my second-favorite thing anyone’s ever written; right behind Joan the Vegan saying. “So my husband cries and enjoys salad; that doesn’t make me respecting him less.”
“Carolyn Luby is a senior at the University of Connecticut majoring in Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies and Spanish and minoring in Latino/a Studies. She is involved in various different feminist groups and violence against women prevention efforts on campus and has particular interest in global feminisms and anti-imperial anti-colonial feminisms.”
Like… same person! I mean what are the chances? I minored in Women’s Gender and Sexuality Studies and Spanish while majoring in
Latina/e/i/o/u/and/sometimes/y Studies. And any UTB regular is aware of my involvement in not only various, but especially different feminist groups. But seriously you guys, if we were doing free association, and someone said “Unleash The Beef,” tell me the first two things out of your mouth wouldn’t be “global feminisms” and “anti-imperial anti-colonial feminisms.” Out of all the feminisms in all the world, Luby is down with my feminisms. Can you say fem-besties? You can take the rest of your feminisms and get them teabagged, for all we care. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tagged those exact feminisms on this website. So on behalf of global feminisms and anti-imperial anti-colonial feminisms, please, respond to the actual venom spat from a given femcunt sac, rather than what some ragtag intermediary says she said. And gooooo Huskies!